Hindi Medium Review

Hindi Medium

Director- Saket Choudhary

Starring- Irrfan Khan, Saba Qamar and Deepak Dobrial

Rating- 2

Hi I am Pia Batra, that little girl you saw in the trailer of Hindi Medium, whose school admission story forms the plot of the film. My mother Mita Batra is an always blaming, spelling shaming, and drug scaring mom. She is a bit…err…weird. Like she paints me, first with Odomos and then smears me with sunscreen. And mind you it’s winters. Sunblock in winters is like logic in Hindifilms, pointless. But all of it is imperative. These are the quirks that delude filmmakers into creating a character. My father has special traits too. He has a sari-lehnga shop that he calls a fashion studio; you know the typical middle class syndrome that we all have. And that’s the reason my mom goes from Mita/Mithu to Honey, an endearing term meant exclusively for the elite.

So before I get admitted into a school, I get admitted to different strata of the society; from a humble middle class house in Chandani Chowk to a villa in Vasant Vihar and then to a slum in Bharat Nagar. I felt like Dev Patel, Slumdog millionaire in reverse!

My parents even get in touch with an expensive consultant, who conducts classes in various subjects, including English. She is pretty and pretty anglicized. And then I heard her say ‘revert back’ that made the grammar Nazi in me commit suicide.

Our shift to the slums is just a way to get admission in our choice of school through Gareebi quota, but hey that can wait! When you are in the slums, what do you do? Tada!!! Manipulate!!Gareebi Dikhao, audience rulao!!

I sit in corner of my dilapidated house. My mother fights some serious fights over ration andpaani. There are rats and mosquitoes and dengue and chicken guinea and all kinds of poor things that are thrown in, in perfect measure till you reach out for a box of tissues. Aur toh aur, my father even starts working in a factory. I had reached a funny- kuchBhiDotCom turn of my life. So did the audiences. At this point I can’t decide if my parents are sweet or stupid. All this drama so that I can mouth a few lines in English? I wanted to devour the Oxford Dictionary or get my parents introduced to Kangana Ranaut and Kapil Sharma.

Slums are fun because we have Shyam uncle better known as Pappi ji from Tanu Weds Manu. He plays his character with such earnestness that it will win your heart. I secretly wished if he was my father, instead of Irrfan-now-with-a-double-R-Khan. He seemed more sorted and integral and tots won my heart when he hugged his son telling him he was the luckiest person ever. Sniff sniff. Actually he reminds me of my father from a decade ago. Deepak Dobrial is the new humble, poor Irrfan Khan, after all papa can’t play Billo Barber kind of roles any longer. He has done Hollywood films bhai…and even dated Deepika Padukone in a film.

But my father earns applause for putting some sense, some credibility in the climatic speech onHindi/English medium.

So between a poorly directed Hindi Medium and Arjun Kapoor’s broken English in Half Girlfriend, you really don’t have much of a choice. I feel you buddy.

A Gentleman Review

A Gentleman

Director- Go Goa Gone and Shor in the City waale

Actors- Washboard abs

Rating- Meh nahi khel raha

The film begins with Gaurav’s and Rishi’s stories running parallel, beautifully differentiated with a slight change of expression; Mr. Constipated Smile, upside down, turns into intensity personified Mr. Frown.

Constipated Smile is a safe guy. Writers have given him such subtle quirks, like he drives under speed limits, cooks and respects everyone. He even has an OCD, keeps arranging things in their place at his work station. Gosh, such depth, worthy of my soup bowl!!

You instantly learn that Constipated Smile is a Sales guy because he strings words like ‘graph’ ‘demands’ ‘market’ and other such meaningless jargon in a sentence like a pro. Wow such insights into the corporate world.

But he needs a foil. So let’s introduce the baddie. Opening shot? Hey hey hey, no points for guessing, it’s our shirtless wonder, displaying abs, flexing muscles, like he was not in a movie but in a Sauna Belt ad. Pehle main acha actor tha. Kapoor and Sons mein sensitive performance di thi…par jab se mujhe yeh film mili hain hain…tab se mere abs bhi express karte hain…actually sirf wahi express karte hain!!

Constipated and Frowny’s lives converge and become one. This is the highlight of the film, especially for those who believe in unicorns and claim to have spotted UFOs in their backyards.

Then there is a lot that the film offers; modern offices, smooth Miami roads, pristine beaches, fancy cars, a gorgeous house in the US, an Ikea sofa, Crate and Barrel dining table and the leading lady. Sorry I don’t mean to use Jacqueline and furniture in the same sentence especially when they are so different. The latter can emote.

Speaking of emotions, we have one expression miracle, Suneel Shetty. He plays the colonel and is at loggerheads with our very own Baddie Frowny. You might not know exactly why, but if you don’t doze off, you would hear some grave words like National Security Council, arms deal,desh ke liye mar mito…blah blah!

There is also a hard drive that has some confidential information of some illegal transactions that adds to the plot of the film. Sorry my bad, I am using unimportant words like plot. But the film engages you so much that you find yourself rooting for the hero, hoping this hard drive to reach the right hands soon, so that the film can end and you can go home.

The dialogues are both funny and emotional. At a point, someone addresses a character named Dikshit as Dick-shit, a joke we thought but didn’t bother to crack when Tezab released in late 1980s. And when the writers thought the movie was losing its soul, they made Gaurav mouth some sentimental lines like, mere ghar, mera sapna, choti si simple zindagi. Beware you will choke on your popcorn!!

Siddharth Malhotra and Jacqueline Fernandez are earnest. They genuinely put efforts trying to make sense of this enigmatic script. Incompetence direction and just lazy writing doesn’t give them any scope to salvage this pointless exotic, brochure of Miami.

A Gentleman was a gentle reminder of all other exciting things one can do this weekend, like bury your face in your bed and sleep.

SpiceKlub, Mankhool, Dubai

Last week, I was desperately waiting to be invited for a Christmas Dinner. None. Zilch. Zolly. I even invited myself to a friend’s Christmas party and she was quick to mention, ‘Yeah but what will you do? The menu is all non vegetarian dude!’

Sigh. Baba.

Two days later, I took mom to SpiceKlub, a vegetarian restaurant that serves the latest food fad of molecular gastronomy. I wanted to speed dial my friend and stick out my vegetarian tongue at her and spam her timeline with pictures from the restaurant. Ok I am digressing.

I had tried and loved Spiceklub in Mumbai and wondered if the Dubai version would come any close. It did and how!

SpiceKlub in a line serves only vegetarian food, their progressive fusion menu bursting with both variety and flavors. (Dude they more than 25 starters to offer, so many options that my brain felt a bit indecisively dizzy, which one to choose and which one to skip!) The best thing about the restaurant is that it’s progressive menu at a very affordable price.

Here’re a few things I tried and recommend-

1. Mango On The Rocks (Popcorn more like ;)), 25 AED
   
   A drink that converts mango pulp into fluffy popcorn with liquid nitrogen, mixed with warm mango juice. Honestly I squinted my eyes at the first sip, I hungrily downed the drink in the last few sips. It’s an interesting take on a Mango drink that might give Katrina’s slice a complex!!

2. Complimentary Dips 
What I particularly loved about these dips was the fact that it had ‘Jain’ options as well (dips without onions and garlic!)
Starting from left and going in clockwise direction, this is what you see in the pic-
(The Jain dips-)
a) Chunda Mango Murabba
b) Red Cabbage Dip- It had walnuts in it, that gave it a delicious texture.
c) Tamarind Chutney
d) Green Chutney
(The Non Jain Dips-)
e) Black Olives with Chilies (my favorite in the lot!)
f) 5 Vegetables Mix
g) Radish Dip- that came with yogurt, mayonnaise and once again a strong texture of walnuts
h) Chili and Garlic Dip

3. Naanza, 32 AED

I loved the naan-pizza take on this. It was very similar to a dish I make at home where I make pizzas out of Peta breads. Mini Naans packed cottage cheese and topped with cheese and served as pizzas…oops I mean Nan-zas! 😉

This is what you see inside- a layer of Paneer. Slurps* 

 

4. Deconstructed Dhokla, AED 32 

Ok so there is a LOT going on here-

a) The green foams you see are coriander foam balls.
b) There is also Spicy Dhokla foam.
c) There is frozen coconut chutney.
d) And you also see Mango slices.

Mix them all up and your Dhokla is ready for consumption. Honestly I did miss my good old Dhokla topped with green chili and mustard seeds.

5. Vegetables and Beetroots Spheres AED 35

Tasty. Tasty. Very Tasty. It’s a very smart take on good old Hara Bhara Kebabs, by taking vegetable dumplings and filling them up with Beetroot and Cheese. I popped all three balls to my mom’s much bemusement. 

This is what it looks when you poke into it. Yes this is what happiness looks like 🙂

 

6. Gandheri Kebabs AED 35

Gandheri stands for sugarcane. This dish serves our very own Paneer, mixed with Indian spices and wrapped around Sugarcane skewers. So bite on the cottage cheese and eat the sugarcane skewer at the end of it. Came with spicy chutney in a super cute Hawkins miniature, so the spicy chutney balanced out the sugarcane sweetness.

Spice Klub mainly boasts of interesting starters, drinks and desserts. They play to the gallery when it comes to the Main Course. I ordered two dishes-

7. Veg Kohlapuri, AED 40

I found the vegetables (mainly beans) a bit under-cooked, but I loved the spicy onion, tomato gravy! The red chili tadka makes it even tastier!

 

8. Kaju Methi Malai Mutter, AED 40

My mother loved it. The dish was a great mix of cashew nuts, green peas and fenugreek (Methi ke daane) and it had khoya based gravy. Rich and creamy and drool worthy!!

9. For Breads, I settled for-

a) Gluten Free Rotis AED 12 

b) Sun-dried Tomatoes and Black Olive Naan AED 17

And then we witnessed some food art in their deserts as well. Must try-

10. Bubbling Kulfi AED 55 

Our good old Indian Kulfi came as little rocks, stone cold at some godforsaken -180 degrees or so. But when mixed with a variety of toppings; caviar, salted caramel, chocolate, rabri and berries mix, it was the most sinful delight on the table. With every spoon, my heart sank a notch deeper, dreading it would be over soon. And so it was…to be followed by yet another interesting dessert…

11. Flower Pot AED 48 

This tastes as fancy as it looks. A flower pot made of Belgian couverture chocolate that held the amazing sinful combination of Rasmalai and Saffron Mousse. The dish was also topped with chocolate soil and served on a bed of pistachio soil. Your tongue will come alive counting the number of flavors packed in this pot!!

There are many things working for Spice Klub

• Its decor- it’s kitsch, quirky and oh so desi!! The cushions, the cycle tyres on the ceiling add a fun touch to the restaurant!
  
  
• Its location- It’s located in Mankhool, so our dear Bur Dubai dwellers don’t have to drive too long distances, just hop skip and jump and lo! you are there!!
• Its pricing- It serves good molecular gastronomical delights at a relatively competitive price.

  Popularity I feel is the best endorsement for any place. Before I knew, the restaurant had already filled up to its capacity. Looking at so many people around, I knew I had chosen well!!
  You must try it with family. Call them up- 04 393 1233.

 

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Dear Zindagi Review

Dear Zindagi

Director- Gauri Shinde

Starring- Alia Bhatt, Shah Rukh Khan, Angad Bedi, Kunal Kapoor and Ali Zafar

Rating- read yaar

A friend of mine once told me that we continue reacting to this world with the same map that we created as kids. People change, situations change but we still see the world with the same emotions that dominated our growing up days; love, fear, openness, suspicion or insecurity.

Dear Zindagi thankfully taps on the same issue, alas, drags a bit too much in the telling.

Kaira (Aaliya) is trying her best to figure out relationships, without quite knowing what causes failure in most of her romantic engagements. She consults a therapist Jehangir Khan (SRK) who dissects everything from her friends, family and childhood and finally helps her deal with issues.

I loved the basic premise of the film for its subtle sensitive message on parenthood but boy the film is such a draaaaaag…in parts, especially in the first half. Speaking of first half, Kaira is painted as a badly behaved character, who is rude to her parents, unsure with her boyfriends and comes across as an arrogant kid despite her warmth towards her maid and friends. Hence it becomes a bit difficult for us to engage in a character like this.

One understands her unreasonable behavior has some history and is deep rooted in an issue but before the director comes to it, you have already dug your face the popcorn a million times and even restlessly checked your WhatsApp groups that have been kept on mute for weeks.

She also has some quirks; she is clumsy, a hoarder and likes things messy but none of these are given any context or explained.

But Alia is a fine actor. Though the first half doesn’t do justice to her spark that we often see, she nails it in a few long scenes, specially the confrontational scene with the family and an emotional scene with Shah Rukh Khan. She feels Kaira’s pain and she is so convincing when she cries. I particularly loved how she continued looking shaken after that emotional scene.

Shah Rukh Khan largely plays himself, like how he is, all mature and witty in his interviews. The only difference here is that he is interviewing Alia. I felt he lacked the empathy of a shrink and sounded more preachy than he should. I also wished the therapy scenes dug deeper into Kaira’s life and were better written. Comparing human beings with chairs put the point across but sounded a bit too juvenile and unfair.

Yashaswani Dayama plays Jackie, who is Alia’s best friend and is one of the most endearing characters and actors in the film. She brings just the right amount of fun and foil to Kaira’s character.

And then there are some serious problems in the film. It callously cracks some gay jokes; calls a gay man a lady and mixes Lebanese with Lesbians. One can see it’s done to just coax a few laughs and hence fails to humor. In fact Kaira reacts to gay jokes rather sharply, ‘Can you listen to what you all are saying? It’s all rubbish” I wondered if she also meant it for the writers.

There is also a clever reference to Alia’s glorious successful career as an actor at such a young age and the director’s debut English Vinglish and a very in your face E Bay ad!!! And yes a typical item number that has the word haseena!! Wow!! No no, the joke is not over. In the next line, it rhymes with kameena!! Two minutes pause as good writing just hit the trash can.

Also the film has some 25 climaxes. Every time I stood up thinking it was over, they would unleash another sequence on me!!! I was like, dude, I am graying, can I please go home?

We have seen Imtiaz Ali and Aamir Khan deal with the same topic in Tamasha and Taare Zameen Par but Gauri Shinde gives it her signature and links it rather well with romance. It’s painfully slow but has some beautiful moments. Definitely makes it for a good one time watch!

Mohenjo Daro Review

Mohenjo Daro

Director- Ashutosh Gowariker

Starring- A tanned Hrithik, Hansika Motwani lookalike in feathers (Pooja Hegde), Kabir Bedi with horns, Arunoday Singh in a skirt and left over star cast of Lagaan as extras.

Rating- Meh.

Mohenjo Daro presents the age old story of good versus bad in times so alien to all of us. Despite having a spectacular set deign, the film doesn’t give any great insights into history or the civilization. There is hard work for sure. Full points to the team for recreating that era. I felt transported to that era, bought into their stories as well, but I feel sorry that the film didn’t cut much ice with me. Watch it for the sheer magnificence, the scale of the movie.

I just thought to have some fun with the movie in a pictorial movie review, started by the hilarious Imaan Sheikh.

These are original slides, made my me.

Mohenjo Daro (Mojo) is a film about history, love, endurance and weird hairdos and head gears.

The movie begins with a daredevil act by our hero called Sermon…I mean Sarman who upsets Maneka Gandhi by killing a crocodile in a small village called Amri.

The daredevil act is soon followed by scenes singlehandedly dedicated to show what an amazing human being our Sarman is. He is brave. He is dedicated. He is always willing to help. He is obedient. He is Anna Hazare. He is Mahatma Gandhi. He is Mother Teresa. He is Arvind Kejriwal. Sad there were no fancy universities at that time, else, he would have stood avval in his college too.

Oh I forgot. He is curious as well. He wants to travel. He wants to see where the sun rises, where it sets. He wants to fly…run…fall…he is basically Ranbir Kapoor from Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani in sacks.

So he travels from Amri to Mojo where his acts of kindness still continue. He meets an old man and gives him his carpet-shawl. Aww so kind. He stands up for the poor. Aww so upright. He reprimands his best friend Hojo for staring at girls. Aww so Sanskari. Cut to next scene. Sanskari turns Sleazy.

Errr…research ki aisi ki taisi.

Sleazy Sarman and Human Parrot then fall in love. Because they both are good looking and all good looking people should fall in love. With each other that is. They even sing a song.

Oops wrong song.

But there is a problem. The baddie in the film has a bad headgear, a bad skirt, bad temper and a bad, bad crush on Human Parrot.

So it’s decided that Sleazy Sarman will have to go through Bakar Zokaar Pariksha. Errr what? Wait till you watch. Bakar Zokaar are cannibal-cousins. Our hero fights with both of them. The fight scene is done well though.

Of course our hero wins. I think it’s the end of the story. It’s not. I forgot it was an Ashutosh Gowariker film.

I turned 58, the hero continued with his heroic acts.He finds out about his father, his past and all.

Wow, can I leave now?

No. He even catches the bad men red handed as they smuggle weapons into the pious land of Mojo.

Very nice. Can it please end here now?

NO! There are torrential rains. Sindhu maiyaa is getting angry. Mojo is drowning. Sleazy Sarman turns into a civil engineer.

Amazeballs. Is it over?

No!! He builds a bridge, minus the concrete that is. He makes a bridge with boats.

Oh lovely!!

Gives instructions. Scoops everyone out of their cottages. Swims in the river. Helps everyone. HE IS THE BEST THING EVAH THAT HAPPENED TO MANKIND!!

*I stand up and start sneaking out*

Wait…listen…where are you going…there is more…he turns into a God…he grows wings…he starts flying…Krish Returns….listen…don’t go.

Ok you don’t intend to end yaar. I am leaving. Yalla bye.

-Lokesh Dharmani

This is my weekly review on Masala! (http://www.masala.com/movie-review-mohenjo-daro-222155.html)

Making news :)

My interview in City Times, Khaleej Times, this morning.

This interview is special for a couple of reasons-

1. I loved the questions. Most of them. Very rarely journalists these days do any research on the person they are interviewing. I have been interviewed by young ‘journalists’ where they have begun the interview with, ‘What’s your name?’ No I am not making this up. A college media student actually started the interview with this at Dubai International Film Festival.
2. Ambica, thanks a lot. You found me on my blogosphere, took the effort to read up on my likes and dislikes and managed some fabulous questions.
3. I am happy that for the first time, my blog, my take on fashion, films and food is covered in print.
4. I am honest. Very very honest in answering every question.
5. Also I am so happy the interview published today, a day very special to me and my family.
   Now read, if you please-
   (Page 1)
   
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TE3N Review

TE3N

Director- Ribhudas Gupta

Starring- Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan and Nawazuddin Siddique

Rating- 2.5 stars

Teen is a thriller that hardly thrills, a murder mystery that intrigues but only briefly. It’s an eight year long struggle of a grandfather, seeking justice to the mysterious kidnapping case of his granddaughter.

I would expect a murder mystery to keep me on the edge of my seats and TE3N majorly disappoints in that department.

The film gives a good build up to the kidnapping, where all pieces merge together in the end. The problem is that it spends way too much time in the lead up. The slow pace of the film kills the thrill of the murder mystery. It takes way too many slow paced scenes and sequences and gets almost repetitive to even establish small plot points.

And since the story is set in Kolkatta, a visit to a fish market, haggling over Hilsa or montages (pun definitely intended) of Durga Pooja celebrations are a must. They don’t add to the narrative of the film but end up being those pretty pointless instagram pictures of people we know, who would post bikini clad selfies and speak about life’s lessons, hard work, inspiration and sundry.

TE3N requires your close attention or else you lose focus. Yet it fails to explain a few things to me. John (Amitabh Bachchan) gets some lead in Imambara close to Hooghly. He lands at a random place and meets a lungi clad Muslim man. Who is this man? Why and how did he decide that the Muslim man would give further clues into the case? None of this is explained. In another scene, Martin (Nawaz) goes to a place that looks like a music shop, to dig some cassettes, some audio tapes to investigate into the case. Pause. Why would a music shop have tapes of a recording that Police did around a kidnapping case?

The screenplay of the film is as confusing. It flashbacks way too often and one is not quite sure where the action is really taking place.

If all these flaws led to a brilliant, edge on the seat climax, I would still be happy. The film ends on a very weak note as it even tries to justify the kidnapper.

Amitabh Bachchan looks evidently old and pulls off the role of the grandfather really well but at a couple of places, his kaun banega crorepati hayeee slips in.

Nawaz and Vidya Balan also stay true to their roles but there is nothing extra ordinary about their characters or their acting.

The film doesn’t engage you much. I not even for once felt the need to investigate the case or make whodunit guesses or sit on the edge of my seat, which is not a great thing for an emotional thriller TE3N aims to be.

Sarabjit Review

DIRECTOR: Omung Kumar
STARRING: Randeep Hooda, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, Richa Chadda
RATING: 2.5 stars

I admit it’s an inspiring story that must be told, a story of a young Indian man (Sarbjit), held captive for more than two decades in Pakistan, yet doesn’t lose his sanity. A story of his sister (Dalbir) who moves mountains and dedicates her life to bring him back yet doesn’t lose hope. Alas, the biggest problem of Sarbjitlies in its telling. It seems that the scenes are written, not to tell the tragedy, but to unnecessarily evoke emotions and squeeze every tear out of its viewers. Lastly, the film is topped with ‘hail-the-sister’, ‘mera desh mahan’, ‘message on brotherhood’ moments that are so forced and out of context that it hurts.

Some of the sequences will make you stick to your stomach. Though one can see the forced attempt at making a tragedy, locking a man in a small box for eight months, unleashing creepy crawlies on him and subjecting him to inhuman treatment till he admits his crime. But one doesn’t complain. Sarbjit is based on a real story. So one doesn’t question the possibility of such cruel treatment meted out to the young man, even if it is a bit over dramatised. But beyond a point, the film tries just too hard.

What? The viewers are not crying? Let’s have the bodyguards push Dalbir and hit her on the head when she goes to see a minister. Let’s have the police officers frisk the family members, push them around, frisk them some more, spoil their make-up, strip them off their jewellery when they go to see Sarbjit in the jail. The film, in parts, becomes a long painful ode to Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and her comeback.

When Sarbjit goes missing, her father helplessly pleads Dalbir to save his son, “You have brought Sarbjit up, you have looked after him, you have to bring him back…blah blah blah…sob sob sob…you used to fight with me every time I scolded him, you would fight with the villagers, you have to bring him back…you are great…you are amazing…you are making a comeback, your last film didn’t work, I don’t care about my son, but you have to look all heroic…blah blah blah…sob sob sob!”

And in the second half, Sarbjit writes a five-page long essay on ‘Meri Didi Mahaan’. Singing paeans to a superstar’s comeback was contrived and out of context. The only time it makes sense is when Richa Chadda explains how the battle would have died a long time ago if the sister had not made it her life’s mission. There is so much of Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in the film, it might have been better called Dalbir than Sarbjit.

And then there are lectures on borders, brotherhood and bravado. These scenes seem like an afterthought and hence don’t contribute much to the story and end up becoming separate parts that we have to insert in any Indo-Pak film. One moment we are planning to chase the biggest terrorist in the world, in the next moment, we go to a dargah. Because hey, chasing the terrorist can wait, an emotional line or a song on humanity should not. “Chalo tumhe aisi jagah lekar chalta hoon jahaan koi lakeere na ho…” Cut to a dargah and a Sufi kind of song.

The screenplay of the film is so disjointed that it seemed like a jigsaw puzzle more than a film. They try tracking a terrorist somewhere in Canada, who is caught in Chandigarh, which is followed by burning an effigy of a lawyer (one of the best scenes in the film, loved the sarcasm) in Pakistan to some random cats curling up with Sarbjit in jail, to a young girl getting married in India to a song. All of this happens back to back, without much notice or meaning.

There is some random stuff that happens inconsistently in the film. Human Rights people from Canada promise to help Sarbjit but never do. Some random godman also visits him in the jail, soothes him with words of love and delivers a parcel from his family and is never seen again.

Randeep Hooda is in his best form. After Laal Rang, he packs in another powerful performance. He plays the character, his dialogue delivery, his body language, the change in his character are enacted so well that you feel his agony. There is a scene in the second half where he breaks down. It’s quite a tearjerker.

Aishwarya-lavender-lipstick-Rai-Bachchan is a bit too screechy in the film. She has got the Punjabi accent well, but doesn’t quite own the struggle of Dalbir.

The story is sad. The treatment is bad. It is long and loopy and manipulative. It would have hurt more if it was not based on a true story.

THE RATINGS MEAN:

5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)
4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)
3 stars: Didn’t hurt. Watch it once.
2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?

This is why I didn’t like the trailer of Udta Punjab.

• By Lokesh Dharmani

13th May 2016

Let’s come straight to the point. The state of Punjab is in jeopardy. IN SERIOUS DANGER.

-73.5% of the Youth Population of Punjab is addicted to drugs. It’s scarier than terrorism. Imagine a state, with the first line of control, to have 3 quarters of its youth population addicted to drugs.

– Drugs worth 2000 crores find its way to India. 350 packets of heroin make their gateway into India, everyday, making it one of the busiest drug transit points in the world.

– How does it reach our country? It’s as simple as hurling packets across the borders. This is despite our border security forces, narcotics control bureau and intelligence bureau.

– Outside Amritsar, there is a locality called Maqboolpura. It’s now called the locality of widows because 52 men have died due to drug consumption in just one year. A mother lost 6 of her 7 children in one and a half years.

– There are illegal chemist shops selling synthetic drugs with no prescription.

– Besides drugs, Punjab is also plagued by the menace of alcohol.

Shocking but true, the state has more number of liquor shops than government schools.

So basically it’s serious shit in Punjab, which not many people are aware of. And then I saw the trailer of a movie based on this grave situation, Udta Punjab. I am happy filmmakers are at least trying to address it but I am very very skeptical too.

I don’t want to jump the gun and really hope that the movie addresses the issue in all seriousness that it severely deserves. But the trailer makes me doubt that big time. Visuals are so effective. And the trailer leaves you with strong visuals of a certain rock star peeing on his fans, of an actor showing off his sharp abs and fashionable locks, of drugs consumed in style… glamorizing it, instead of ridiculing it.

I hear a lot of young people call it edgy, gritty. Alas that’s how we define grit in Hindi films – throw abuses, an expletive here, a bit of swearing there and lo! your gritty, dark, edgy film is ready. That is not edgy. That’s just sensational.

I sincerely hope it’s a good film and that I am proven wrong.

Azhar Review

Azhar

Director- Tony D’souza

Starring- Emran Hashmi, Nargis Fakri, Prachi Desai, Lara Dutta and Kunal Roy Kapoor

Rating – 2 stars.

Azhar starts with a five page long disclaimer that clarifies that the film is only inspired by life events of the legendary cricketer hence a few things have been tweaked and the makers don’t mean it; like Sangeeta Bijlani was the biggest heroine back in the day and the fact that Nargis Fakri can act.

The disclaimer also sounds like a polite warning, ‘hey we will talk about Azhar’s life, touch upon his life’s controversies, but not drop many names, come very close to the closet, but slam shut it the moment skeletons start tumbling out’, the kind of stuff that’s severely reserved for a popular show called Naughty Sexy Bitchy, also known as Koffee Karan Ki.

Azhar’s life is so difficult that it makes ‘no wifi’ first world problems look like real tragedies. Yes it is very difficult to be paid a bomb to cut a ribbon at a gym and be asked to pose with a bat. Aww. It’s heartbreaking to be torn between two hotties and not be able to make up your mind. It indeed is so tragic when life throws billions at you and you have to be all righteous, say no and give Anna Hazare a complex of his life.

Righteous. That’s the word.

The film justifies everything Azhar bhai and people around him do. Azhar bhai is so righteous he can never be involved in match fixing. Azhar bhai is righteous he would never cheat on his wife. Even if he does, he will be so guilty about it. Azhar bhai is so righteous he would not even skip the ad that plays before his favorite adult video on YouTube. Ok that’s not entirely true, I admit. Azhar bhai doesn’t watch adult videos.

There are no shades of grey. The ‘vices’ are so ‘badly’ justified and explained that it hurts. Sangeeta has two strict rules in life; never date a cricketer or a married man. Cut two, she is cozying up to Azhar; both, married and a cricketer. Woah irony just hit her like a bolt!! There is hardly any build up in their love story; no chemistry, no passion, no infatuation. There is only one thing; brochure of a romantic song, ticking all the locations in a foreign land.

 

I will give it to the writers that they do manage to maintain a certain amount of curiosity around Azhar’s involvement in match fixing case but the way he is awarded a character certificate at every third minute of the film, it’s an easy guess he would come out clean at the end of the film.

Even the narrative of the film is unnecessarily patchy. It keeps shifting from 80ies to 90ies and early 2000s, with hardly any difference in the way characters or places look. It leaves you a bit confused and you are not quite sure if it’s a flashback or the present time.

The film is a simplistic –he-didn’t-do-anything-wrong- take on the cricketer. It never delves into grey areas, no character build up, no introspection, no redemption. Even the matches lack the nail biting excitement.

The lead star cast doesn’t leave any great impression; however, Lara Dutta and Kunal Roy Kapoor as supporting star cast look earnest and deliver a decent performance.

 

Azhar could have been bad-ass, controversial, exciting, masaledaar…alas the simplistic safe treatment leaves it pretty bland.

 

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