Kis Kisko Pyar Karu Review.

Kis Kisko Pyar Karun

Director- Men in White; Abbas Mustan

Starring- Kapil Sharma and three Christmas trees, in designer clothes and make up that could feed an entire country.

Rating- Do you really care? You would go and watch and laugh anyway.

Choices in life are good, but what happens when the choices are Calendar Girls and Kis Kis Ko Pyar Karu? Yes I was caught between the devil and the deep blue monster this weekend. I settled for the deep blue monster who is married to three women and dreams to get married to the fourth one, which is a gold mine of a plot for Indian comedies, because let’s admit it, making sexist jokes, targeting our wives’ relatives and coming across as the bechara husband is our favorite pastime. You don’t agree? Check the last Whatsapp forward you received on your phone.

Now let’s pause for a moment and reverse roles. Imagine a leading lady in Hindi films is married to three men and wants to get married to the fourth one. That’s easily possible only if the leading lady is Bharti Singh. Or else the lady is tagged as fast/man eater/chalu; Veronica in Cocktail and Tanu in Tanu Weds Manu series being our shining examples. You see it’s as simple as a shift of a couple of alphabets. When a man does it, he is a stud, when a woman does it, she is a slut!

 The success of Comedy Nights with Kapil and now this film just shows the double standards, that we have as a nation.

Kis Kis Ko Pyar Karun begins on such a charitable note that it had me in tears. Kapil Sharma plays a character called Robin Hood Of Shadi.com who gets married to three women or else they would commit suicide. Wow he is a walking talking human langar!! Ok I understand it’s a silly comedy but then don’t justify Mr. Heart Of Gold’s three marriages as an act of charity. There is a drunken scene and a full ten minute long emotional climax where our Robin Hood of Shadi.Com goes a full hamtard. He wallows in self pity as he gives a never ending speech on how he saved the three ladies lives by getting married to them and being honest with all three of them. Even the dialogues are mind numbingly dumb, “Meri shaadiya haadsa thi, aur maine haadson ko ache se nibhaya hain.” Burp!

If the film is meant to be funny, don’t make a marriage messiah out of your misogynist monkey.

The film should have been titled ‘When Misogyny met Flaky’. The three wives are equally hot, equally skinny and equally dumb. I wondered what was smaller their waist lines or their IQ because the curtains in the background seemed far more intelligent than all three wives put together.

The film is not entirely bad. If you suspend your logic and just give in to the hilarity, you might enjoy a few scenes. The birthday scene especially is funny.

Kapil-now-available-in-a-waxed-chest-Sharma is funny, I admit. His comic timing is impeccable. The way he says his lines poker faced, making it all look so spontaneous is sheer talent. His ease with his lines evokes genuine laughs too. My only problem was when he tried doing an SRK in a garden or a Hrithik Roshan on the dance floor. He was bad in both romantic and dance numbers. In fact he looked so awkward romancing the ladies that I couldn’t tell if he would kiss them or puke into their mouths.

The ladies are as forgettable as their characters. Elli Avram looks gorgeous and is pretty high in the movie, not high in acting though. She has two songs to her credit titled Jugni Peeke tight hain and Baba ji ki booti. What the hick!

Wife bashing jokes are deeply connected with crime against women. Nagging wives with an IQ of an onion stopped being funny after Omar Shareef cracked the exact same jokes in Bakra Kishton Mein.

Making it funny just makes it acceptable that women are inferior. It all starts with a harmless joke and ends with horrible cases of molestation and rapes. Umm…to me Kis Kis Se Pyar Karun in two words was NOT FUNNY!

Vivaldi by Alfredo Russo, Sheraton Hotel, Creek.

I know everything about cheese. Like there are three Kraft slices on the top shelf in the refrigerator, the cheese spread is almost finished and the one in the freezer is called…ummm…very very tasty!

So when I read about the Mozzarella festival at Vivaldi, Sheraton Creek, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn something about Fior de Latte and experiment something new. More so it’s Michelin star Chef Alfredo Russo’s restaurant (the famous Italian Chef), a name to reckon with in Italian fine dining.

I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy mozzarella in my starters/soups/desserts or even coffee, (yes they have a coffee that has mozzarella in it…) but, boy was I totally surprised or was I totally surprised.

        (Love the blue white furniture, the decor and the view from the glass facade.)

I loved the place for a couple of reasons; it’s by the Creek. The water has such a calming effect on you. The food is YUM-AZING! And the restaurant is 38 years old. I was so happy to know at least someone (something) was older than me.

So we started with something that’s a first at any Italian restaurant;

Buruchetta–  the bread was well toasted, the cherry tomatoes were nice and squishy and instantly I could anticipate the amazing food that was to follow.

Unable to decide which Mozzarella should we go for; Treccia/Cherry or Burrata, we decided to go for Tagliere Di Clinque Tipi Diversi Di Mozzarella. I know you are feeling dizzy (skipping) reading that really difficult name. In simple words it was a Mozzarella Platter that included 6 varieties of mozzarella with quite a range of dips, 150 AED. 

This could look a bit intimidating, so let me break it down for you. The platter as marked in the picture consisted of-

a) Cherry Mozzarella
b) Smoked Mozzarella
c) Fresh Mozzarella
d) Truffle Mozzarella (slightly acquired taste)
e) Smoked Burrata
f) Treccia Mozzarella (where mozzarella cheese is turned and twisted and beaten into plaits)

1. Cocacola reduction. I kid you not, this was as interesting as its name. Cola was condensed and added with herbs. Tasted nice.
2. Cucumbers with lemons.
3. Capers Chutney- Besides capers, I could taste a hint of rosemary, garlic, ginger, honey and vinegar. I polished it in two big scoops. Yummy!
4. Tomato Ice cream- It wasn’t like ice cream but more like a sorbet, tangy and cold. I have never tasted tomatoes in this form before.
5. Honey and Thyme.

Fresh cheese with such interesting dips and oven fresh breads, warm and soft made it a fabulous start to the treat that awaited us.

                (These Focaccia and pizza breads were made fresh in the restaurant oven!)

(I am most guilty of giving up on Fior Di Latte Mozzarella soup with onion bread and capers. The onions by the way are caramelized and hence sweet. How could I miss it is beyond me. I guess I will go back only for that soup!)

I chose this over the soup. I downed the culinary extravaganza with a Summer Cooler- made of mango syrup, passion fruit and soda. *Slurps*

We then started the main course-

Ravioli Di Mozzarella Di Bufala Affumicata, 60 AED

I know you have got knots on your desi tongue, trying to get the pronunciation right. Let me help. The ravioli is filled with Affumicata (which means smoked) buffalo mozzarella, served on the base of eggplant and topped with blanched cherry tomatoes and basil leaves. Ok confession time. I loved the ravioli but my very Indian palates found this a tad bland and I didn’t enjoy the eggplant base much.

But I absolutely loved their another fancy named dish, the name of which, I can’t remember for the life of me, so let’s simply stick to words that I can easily type and you can easily understand. This was

Saffron Risotto, 65 AED

Risotto topped with heavenly Parmesan. The risotto was perfectly cooked, and the saffron in it made every bite a heavenly mouthful. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS. There was a slight problem with the dish though. It came in such small portions.

My eyes were slowly scanning the menu to squint at the letter ‘V’ that suggested vegetarian dishes. It read-

Scamorza Affumicata Con Funghi Porcini. AED 70

By now I had started to decipher these funky names. Scamorza is a type of cheese similar to mozzarella and Affumicata if I understood correctly stood for smoked. Funghi was a good hint at mushrooms, Porcini confirmed that hint. There was a strong sense of ginger in the dish which gave it a unique flavor.

My friend had ordered the good old Tagliolini Pasta. Well chopped vegetables added an interesting texture to this Pasta.

We were just about to order for desserts when the very hospitable and generous Chef Atul insisted on serving us with a pizza AED 70. I have had pizzas and trust me I have had many, but thin trust pizza topped with Asparagus and onions simply took the cake. The base was nice and crunchy, the cheese melted in my mouth and despite being really full, I easily downed 3 odd slices of this sinful delight. Damn the calories dude. Hail GLUTTONY I say!!

I had eaten so much that the tummy had almost popped my jeans button, the world started to float around me and I knew I was just a dessert away to slip into food coma any moment. I sleepily looked at the menu and the mozzarella ice cream looked pretty interesting. I have never had cheese in my ice cream before.  You ask me its price? I was too high to even remember my name.

The healthy granola on top not only added a bit of texture to the ice cream but balanced the guilt as well. And this I dare say when I had polished an entire meal that had mozzarella as its main ingredient. Ha!     And the generous Chef treated us with some macrons and chocolates as well.

The view was fantastic.

The food was amazing and it was a miracle that after eating such a sumptuous meal, I could stand and pose for a click.        

(Don’t miss my Marvel comics shoes, the pic was taken to flaunt them!)

Katti Batti review!

Katti Batti

Director- Nikhil Advani

Starring-Imran Khan and Kangana Ranaut

Rating- 2 stars

I feel bad for Imran Khan’s character in Katti Batti, quite rightly called ‘Mad’dy!

Maddy is surrounded by some incredible people who drive him mad. Maddy’s best friend calls his ex-girlfriend chalu and pushes an office hottie down his throat to, quote unquote, move on in life!! His mature advice was as appalling as his words, ‘Deepika se mil aur mita le apni desperation.” Which makes perfect sense. Because Deepika is hot and hot people don’t have feelings, at least in Hindi films. Because all it takes to move on from a failed relationship is, to have a one night stand with someone hot, who might have feelings for you. Deepika, I feel for you babe!!

Maddy also has a bossy sister who loves his brother’s girlfriend so much that she threatens to kill her.

And if these were not enough Maddy meets a pseudo Sufi musical group called FOSLA (Frustrated one sided lover’s association). No, that’s not the joke. The joke is their songs. Sample this- “Pyar karne waale, jala de Lungi. Love ki baj gayi Pungi.” I choked on my nachos.

Like Maddy’s best friend and bossy behan, the weird musicians have an advice too, “Payal ko pana hain? Toh pyar bheekh se nahi, jang se jeeta jayega.” You see there is no dearth of advice in Katti Batti. Only if someone had given one to the filmmakers as well.

And to top it all, Maddy has a girlfriend, Payal, who is very modern, like she has tattoos and shoots her middle finger. She doesn’t even shy away from using the taboo word that begins with an S and ends with an X. Sex? Hawww ladki badi fast hain, I tell you. So clearly a girl who lives in with her boyfriend has to be ‘chalu’ enough to dump him overnight.

The problem with Katti Batti is that it’s trying so hard to be funny that it shows. It inserts gay jokes, a South Indian called Ramalingham who ‘yems; and ‘yens’ everything and a gold-plated-speed-massaging-perfume-dispensing-commode worth 5 lakh rupees without any rhyme or reason. There are so many sequences that are written only for laughs alas fail to evoke any. A baby being pinched, NOT FUNNY! A man who can’t speak because he is chewing paan, NOT FUNNY! A Devdas scene on stage that replaces a dead Satish Shah with a drunken Imran Khan, trying so hard to recreate the epic scene of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron, err, NOT FUNNY!!

Imran-mamu-jaan-when-will-you-produce-Delhi-Belly-part-two-Khan plays a role that he has NEVER played before; an urban, understanding boyfriend who is an architect. If you haven’t watched Ek Main Aur Ek Tu, Gori Tere Pyar Mein, then the joke is totally wasted on you. If you have, then I am totally judging you. Imran plays these characters well and he is pretty earnest and promising in Katti Batti as well.

Kangana-I-didn’t-do-I-love-NY-Ranaut doesn’t offer anything wow. Though her character has so much to play with, like ‘Hero ke maa ke kangan‘ and a variety of wigs. The way the length of her hair goes from short to long to very short to very long is a mystery bigger than Indrani Mukherjea’s case.

The music is average. I liked the song Lip to Lip, especially the way it’s shot. But the idea was originally done in Mujhse Fraandship Karoge’s Har Saans Mein Har Dhadkan Mein Ho Tum. YouTube the song, you would love it!

The trailer says it’s NOT a love story. The film is promoted with an interesting, twisted end. Err NOT! There is nothing new about the ending of the film. The only good thing about the ending was…that it ended.

Bombay Brasserie at the Taj, Downtown Dubai.

I was intimidated by five star hotels for the longest time in my life. I come from a humble middle class family. Our idea of a day out was breaking long crisp dosas at Sagar Ratna followed by one FULL Kwality ice-cream from the vendor. Yes one full ice-cream on a lucky day otherwise we were supposed to share it sometimes!! So when I grew up, started working and friends insisted on fine dining, I was chicken shit. Visions of bad table etiquette would petrify me; I would spill curries on myself or someone, I would fumble with my knife and fork and I might just play dandiya with those chop sticks. Or worst, I would not be able to phonetically articulate that fancy dish on the menu to the waiter and end up pointing it out to him on the menu, this one, yes this one, number 5.

One of my earliest memories of the Taj was when I was barely six or seven. It was dad’s some business friend’s or mom’s some relative’s daughter’s or son’s or someone’s wedding. I could barely bother and I don’t remember. All I remember distinctly is that I discovered lifts on that day. My cousins and I spent full three hours going up and down in that glass capsule, pressing all the numbers, getting down on every floor and repeating it for hours at a stretch.

One of my early fine dining experiences was at the Yellow Brick Road at the Taj Vivanta, Delhi. If you give me a choice between dining at the Yellow Brick Road or dating Deepika Padukone, I will choose, dating Deepika Padukone, dah, of course. But I can catch the next flight to greedily devour two big scoops of their Bull’s eye and sip endless pots of their masala chai. If salivating could cause a Tsunami, this would be that moment.

Cut to 2015 and I decided to dine at Bombay Brasserie at the Taj, Downtown, Dubai, a much acclaimed Indian restaurant in London that has recently opened its branch in Dubai.

I like the decor too at Bombay Brasserie, at the Taj, Downtown, Dubai.

Here’re a few things I tried.

I landed on a good day when the restaurant had a special Bombay Chowpatty menu. They were celebrating Mumbai’s street food. So the special menu for street food items came at 195 AED with unlimited food and soft beverages.

1. Pani Puri. Nothing beats the divine pleasure of downing gol gappe at the street vendor’s little kiosk, haggling for more meethi chutney and being treated with unlimited rounds of golgappe ka pani and then shamelessly asking for a paapdi dipped in red chutney to douse the fire that the experience has caused. The vendor was missing, the taste wasn’t. I just wish I could say- ‘arey bhaiya, 20 rupay ke 6 gol gappe hote hain, abhi sirf 4 hi diye hain aapne.’ 

Pani Puri/Golgappe with papdi, also called SLURPS!!

2. Vada-Pau, Kathi Roll and aaloo paapdi chat.  Their vada pau had garlic chutney. Yes the good old red garlic chutney. Yes I dissected it to check. The waiter gave me that ‘weirdo’ look. I beamed with happiness. Garlic chutney!!! *wipesTears*

Vada Pau, Kathi roll and aaloo paapdi!

Then I ordered the main course.

3. Martabaan Chole. 90 AED

I wish I had taken a picture of the martabaan (the pot) in which they served this dish. It’s our good old, brown, ceramic, very heavy jar/pot in which our grand-moms used to preserve pickles. And that IS the specialty of this delicacy. This dish is made in ‘laal mirch ka masala’. Remember this-

Red Chili Pickle.

They use this masala to make Chole. The thought of it is pretty drool worthy, I however wish they had used enough of this red chili pickle masala as I could barely taste it.

Martabaan Chole.

4. Paneer Sirka Pyaz. 100 AED

I like how Indian restaurants are trying to jazz up the good old paneer (cottage cheese) dishes. This one was prepared with vinegar dipped onions, also known as sirke wala pyaz in Hindi. This is what it looks like-

Sirke Wala Pyaz aka vinegar dipped onions!

I could relish both vinegar and onions. My favorite dish for the night by the way. I also loved how they had garnished the dish with sliced onions. .

Paneer Sirka Pyaz.

5. Daal Makhani. 60 AED. 

Unlike a few restaurants, this daal I could tell was cooked for long enough for it to taste the way it did.

Daal Makhani.

7. And then there were breads. 20/25 AED

Fresh, soft naans that melted even before they entered my mouth.

Breads- naans!

8. Some Raita. 25 AED. 

Made of cucumber, tomato and mint.

Raita. In case you can’t see. Lol.

9. And then there was some Biryani as well. (Don’t remember the price.)

Biryani.

Ok I admit gluttony is one of my favorite vices, but I shared this with 3 other people, hence I had enough room for desserts. We settled for-

10. Jalebi with rabdi.  50 AED. 

11. Anjeer ka Shahi Tukda. 55 AED 

Yes figs. Apna anjeer. Served with bread. Heaven.

12. Chenna Pyesh. 50 AED. 

This is like kheer, where milk is churned and reduced to this delicacy served with saffron.

And then this was me by the end of the meal. If you look close, I look drunk. High on Food. It’s a miracle I have my eyes open and that I am standing.

Hero- Review!!

Hero

Director- Nikhil Advani

Starrting- Sooraj Pancholi and Athiya Shetty

Rating- 1.5 stars

Phantom Review!

Phantom

Director- Kabir Khan

Starring- Saif Ali Khan and Katrina Kaif

Rating- 2.5 stars

26/11 is one of the darkest dates in the Indian history. Phantom rightly states that the broken window shields of the five star hotels could be fixed, the bullet marks be cleaned but one can’t undo the scars, terrorism leaves behind on the minds and hearts of people.

Kabir Khan’s Phantom is not only based on Hussain Zaidi’s Mumbai Avengers but shares the sentiments of A Wednesday and has its texture deeply rooted in the likes of D Day and Baby!

The film is India’s unapologetic, eye-for-an-eye answer to 26/11 attacks. Hence an ex-army officer, Daniyal Khan (Saif-I-badly-need-a-hit-Ali-Khan) is roped in as an undercover agent to nail all the masterminds behind 26/11 and kill them. It gets as ruthless as a common man’s decision to wipe out all the ‘cockroaches’ in A Wednesday and almost as radical as the youth in Rang De Basanti, however it lacks the conviction of both the films. Call it appropriate timing or a sense of prolonged resilience, former anti-terrorist films seemed to echo the common man’s sentiments. Since Phantom is not a fresh take on extremism hence it fails to leave an impact.

But it’s not a bad film entirely. It offers you free trips from India to London to Beirut to Syria to Chicago to Jordan faster than you could flip an Atlas. The first half of the film specifically is well paced. The scenes where Daniyal Khan kills the commander of Lashkar-e-Taiba are well written and well executed!

Alas the second half suffers from lazy writing and lazier screenplay. The strategies behind the killings just don’t seem convincing. ​We are talking about the masterminds behind some of the ruthless terrorist attacks and our dear hero goes mike shopping, toy-car remote shopping, fixes a bomb in the mike and lo! We are good to have a ‘blast’! Plan B? Chase him because Daniyal Khan’s middle name is Google maps and that he knows every nook and cranny of Pakistan! (Though those car chase sequences are slick as a sonnet and shot pretty well!)

And if that wasn’t enough, we have a half-baked love story that was so contrived that Katrina’s expressions started looking real!! Speaking of her, she borrows her name from one of the finest actors in the country! Yes her name is Nawaz. No that doesn’t help! She neither own the lines, nor feels Nawaz’s pain. Her role in the whole let’s-kill-the-terrorist business is halfheartedly explained.

The supporting cast of the film, despite flat characters; pack in quite a cocker of a performance. Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub, Sabyasachi Chakrabarty, Denzil Smith and the nurse lady in Pakistan are genuinely good!!

I wish the film engaged me a bit more. 26/11 attacks enraged the entire nation. It made us feel vulnerable. A film that deals with it should stir my patriotic sentiments. I should be able to empathize. Alas it felt like a decent film on anti-terrorism, something that I have already seen before.