Bajirao Mastani Review

Bajirao Mastani

Director- Sanjay Leela Bhansali

Starring- Ranveer Singh, Priyanka Chopra, Deepika Padukone and Tanvi Aazmi

Rating- 3 stars!

 

Finding nuance in a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film is like finding poor people in a Karan Johar film.

If OTT had a human form, it would sport a beard, glasses and would be spelled as SLB.

From palatial sets, detailed costumes, spell binding cinematography, the film is so opulent it might as well be called Bhansali Mastani.

Bajirao is an ambitious warrior. And we believe it too because we are told in a Did-you-know-fact-that he is the only warrior in the country who has won 40 battles back to back. Woah yeh warrior hain ya battlefield ka Blockbuster Salman Kha?!!

He is so ambitious that he wants to dethrone the Mughals from Delhi and rule the entire country. But that can wait. Because he is busy cozying up with his wife first, then his girlfriend, then make babies with the wife and then girlfriend!! Lucky bugger, I know. It’s a choice between high libido and valor, and with Deepika and Priyanka around, it’s quite an obvious choice.

So all the events and dialoguebaazi that should have led to an attack on the Mughal Empire is conveniently forgotten and we witness his relationship status change from being married to married again, to complicated, and all this painfully stretched over a period of time. I could almost see his invisible Facebook updates; Mastani is hot, feeling excited. Kaashi is my wife, feeling dutiful. Mom is against inter-religion marriage. She is so intolerant. Feeling frustrated.

The film is smart, gimmicky. The script is manipulative. So is the timing. To release a love story torn in a religion tussle will work keeping the current situation in our country. The scenes are written knowing they will earn a thundering applause here, a tear and a smile there. But it all works. The scenes between the husband and wife, the son and the mother and even the wife and the mistress have interesting wordplay and no matter how filmy, they do evoke emotions. In a scene Bajirao uses, doobta sooraj, khilta chand, dharam ki zanjeer and mohabbat ki aag, all in a sentence. But Ranveer Singh lends so much honesty and meaning to these dramatic words that it works. Also we have heard worse in Bhansali’s Ramleela. Remember jigar forcibly rhymed with trigger in name of creative writing?!

Ranveer Singh does deliver a stellar performance. He speaks in a certain Marathi accent and he is consistent at it. Priyanka Chopra shines in a couple of scenes. And Deepika Padukone proves herself yet again. She is so gorgeous yaar. Gorgeous with that nose pin, that hat, that mandolin. Gorgeous when she holds her baby and fights all those soldiers single handedly. I almost stood on my seat and screamed, ‘Maar Mastaani Maar!’ Ok calm down Lokesh. I get distracted. And then there is Tanvi Azmi. Spectacular.

The film is a good one time watch. The first half had me strapped to my seats. It was well paced. The second half got way too weepy and self-indulgent.

If you gush calling Bhansali an artist, his movies oh so beautiful, sheer poetry and all that, Bajirao Mastani won’t disappoint you then!

 

Hate Story 3 Review.

Hate Story 3

Director- Vishal Pandya

Starring- Johnny Bravo, Ferrari wale papa, Hot lips and Long legs!

Rating- Yawn.

The most amazing thing about the film is that it has a sequel. Hate Story 3. HOW? Really how do you manage a third film of the franchise? The idea behind these films: Jism 4, Murder 28, Hate Story 358 is a simple three letter word. Alas, there is no FUN here. What else were you thinking?

Ok let me say it as is. In Hate Story 3, there is no sex. It only vexed. Me. Beyond Belief. I mean all the steamy scenes are so badly cut that the actual film seems shorter than the its trailer.

The previous two films showed women unabashedly seducing men, unapologetically using their bodies and avenging themselves. And that be could sexy for some. But Hate Story 3 pits two men against each other.

The doting papa from Ferrari Ki Safari, Sharman Joshi is a business tycoon married to a pair of hot lips, (Zarine-Gareebo-Ki-Katrina-Kaif- Khan.) He also has a secretary called Long Legs, (Daisy-Sallu-Bhai-Ki-Jai-Ho-geddit-geddit-Shah)

Then there is Karan-Singh Grover whose character, Saurav is a lust child of Hugh Hefner and Johnny Bravo.

Johnny Hefner has taken a shine on Hot Lips and wants to spend a night with her. (There is even a pair of silver lips hanging on his living room’s wall. Ah such detailing I tell you!) Don’t judge him yet. He is the most sanskari tharki ever. He seeks Hot Lips’ husband’s permission if he can play wham-bam-thank you-mam with his wife. He even gifts them an Audi as bait. But bait doesn’t budge beauty and her beau. The husband is rather bemused with Bravo’s raging hormones. Hence they both are at logger heads with a dialogue on a loop, main tujhe barbaad kar dunga.

The writer of the film (and that’s just an assumption that the film has one) even justifies Bravo Hefner’s high libido. Bravo admits he wants to sleep with Hot Lips because her husband killed his sister. It’s this simplicity: you killed my sister; I sleep with your wife: that makes this film so unique. That’s derogatory to women, you argue. Come on, you are clearly misled by the notion that women are people too.

I also particularly loved how songs were such a unique part of the film’s narrative. Picture this-

1. a) There is a scene where Long Legs goes missing. Everyone is worried. Cut to a club. She is gyrating to some House music. IT’S NOT EVEN AN AR RAHMAN NUMBER, NOT EVEN A HONEY SINGH SONG. WHY DO WE HAVE THIS SONG?
2. b) Hot Lips being interviewed by a media person. She reminisces about her ex-boyfriend, looks at her current boyfriend and jumps into a very hot, seductive dream sequence, all in the middle of an interview.
3. c) Bravo meets Long Legs. Long Legs gives him a hard drive that has all the information on his enemy. Long Legs slips into a shower, Bravo opens a champagne bottle and they both slither on each other!! Bravo even kisses her. And then she dies. And my head started singing, ‘Zehar hain ki pyar hain tera chumma.’

 

The film manages to pack some decent performances too. Karan Singh Grover has such amazing expressions on his abs. Daisy Shah seduces in the tone of a nursery rhyme. Zarine Khan heaves, heaves and heaves some more. And Sharman Joshi screams ‘rich cunning rascal’ in the name of intensity.

If you are still alive at the end of the film, you would notice a book in apna Bravo’s house. It reads Isaac Newton. That makes perfect sense. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, subtly establishing it as a revenge story. Errr NOT!

Tamasha Review!

Tamasha

Director- Imtiaz Ali

Starring- Ranbir Kapoor and Deepika Padukone

Rating- 3 stars. Ok 0.5 extra for Deepika= 3.5 stars!

Ranbir Kapoor is not dyslexic but has issues (and braces), just like Darsheel Safari. Deepika Padukone is not an arts teacher but plays an Aamir Khan to Mr. Kapoor. This pretty much felt like Taare Zameen Par struck by Cupid.

Curious? Confused? Trying to make up your mind whether or not you should go and watch this film, if you would like it or not. Well welcome to the confused club. I admit I can’t quite decide if I liked the film or not. Having said that I can safely recommend you go watch this film because not too many filmmakers who explore questions like who we really are, and that zone between dil and duniya.

I like Tamasha because it talks about freedom that comes with solo traveling.

Yet I wasn’t sure because unlike Queen and English Vinglish, it doesn’t show, it tells, almost spoon feeds you the thought of how liberating travelling is.

Though a part of me said, it’s written so well, so colloquial, so believable. The other part admitted that I had seen it before. This wild child syndrome that Imtiaz often talks about in his films is getting way too predictable.

The couple talking about the strip tease dance in Socha Na Tha was cute and refreshingly different. The Rang Biranga Pani Peeke act of Deepika Padukone in Love Aaj Kal was fun. Heer watching Junglee Jawani with Jordan in Rockstar was contrived. And Tara cozying up with Ved in Tamasha’s Corsica in the name of this mythical coolness we call free spirited felt so painfully recurring.

I love the performances. I can’t tell you enough how brilliant both Ranbir and Deepika are, so let me Ctrl+B and switch my caps key on –

DEEPIKA AND RANBIR ARE SUPER SPECTACULARLY FABULOUSLY HARDWROKING PERCEPTIVE INTUTIVE SPONTANEOUS ACTORS!

Phew. I feel better now.

There is a scene where Deepika sits in the car on her way to the airport. She is part happy and part sad and her expressions are so well balanced that you wonder how on Earth can emote so much with doing so little.

And then there is Ranbir Kapoor; so honest. The ease and the charm in Corsica, the under confident presentations at work, the almost schizophrenia that creeps in and out and the last confrontation scene with the father, the man surrenders himself to the director and nails it in every scene.

Even their body language is bang on. In a particular scene in a Chinese restaurant, Tara sits on the edge of her seat, all excited to reconnect with Ved. While Ved wears his ‘boring’ Project Manager Skin well, sits with a slight hunch and indulges in mundane conversations.

But I wasn’t sure again. Amongst such brilliant lead actors, the film suffers from such clichés; the strict father is way too strict; the Punjabi boss is so Punjabi and so bossy that it is reduced to a caricature.

Imtiaz is a stupendous writer. And sometimes equally stupendously monotonous. The scene where Tara confesses her love to Ved, though unsure if he is single or has a girlfriend is written, enacted and directed well. But it instantly reminds you of Veer and his love confessions to Meera right after her wedding in Love Aaj Kal; the same regret, the same sense of loss, the same so-many-thoughts-in-incomplete-sentences. Is that the reason the film is titled, Tamasha, why always the same story? Facepalm!

If the first half of the film lacked depth and hugely depended on an attempt to create ‘carefree’ characters in carefree Corsica, the second half became a tad loopy and gimmicky. The scenes where Ved goofs up in his work presentations or apologizes to his boss were funny initially. After a point it was like, ‘hey you liked that joke, wait I will crack that again!’

Also the film that begins as a love story becomes lopsided towards the end focusing only on Ved’s story. Tara is conveniently forgotten in the second half. We are not even told what she does. I almost missed her in the second half. It’s a pity that a beautiful character, a beautiful actor like Deepika becomes just a second fiddle to the male protagonist.

The final verdict? Should we go and watch? Umm yes! I feel Shagun Batra dealt with the same issue in Ek Main Aur Ek Tu a shade better, devoid of any dramatics, real and urbane. But Tamasha despite bringing in a touch of tamasha is a onetime watch for sure.

WHAT THE RATINGS MEAN

5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)

4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)

3 stars: Didn’t hurt. Watch it once.

2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?

Prem Ratan Dhan Payo Review!

Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Director- Sooraj Barjatya

Starring- Salman Khan, Sonam Kapoor and Alok Nath’s sanskars.

Rating- Meh!

I never believed in Friday the 13^th, now I do.  I knew it was a Rajshree film, where people play jewelry-jewelry in their living rooms, wear saris and sherwanis to bed and roll red carpets to their loos. But Prem Ratan Dhan Payo takes the Dhan part way too seriously. Everything is royal in the film; royal fort, royal carriage, royal ferries, royal balti, royal magga, royal jhadu, royal pocha…royal shauchalya.  It’s so pointlessly opulent that it feels the entire Diwali Bumper Bonanza puked all over this film. Which is not my biggest concern. The characters are.

You see in a Rajshree film, there are no 50 shades of Grey. The characters are the deepest shades of either black or white. The black is so black that it could endorse Godrej hair dye. And the white is so white that it seems it has been dipped in three separate buckets of Aerial, Surf and Tide and then scrubbed with Happy Dent.

That brings me to Salman-holier-than-thou-Khan who plays the puffier version of Alok-Sanskari-Nath. When he fights, he apologizes. When he romances, he doesn’t touch. And when he promises to donate, he leaps lavish palaces and mansions at people. And this is not even when he is running over people. Prem Dilwale is so righteous, so helpful, so efficient and oh so godly that he might as well cure cancer and we shall easily believe it.

In fact towards the second half he does a full Pujya-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-I-am-back on us, main wapas aa gaya…!! And the promo producer gleamed happily, “mil gaya promo moment.”

And then there is Prem’s lady love who looks more like a Diwali gift wrap than a human being. My heart went out to her. First of all her clothes have a bigger IQ than her. (Forget IQ, she admits she once couldn’t spell Vijay right. It’s Vijay for god sake, not Czechoslovakia?!) Secondly she is so helplessly looking for some ‘action’ with her Sanskari-Stud that the film could have been called Kabhi Horny Kabhi Ditysy or the Impending Kiss of a Rajkumari. You see Barjatya treats romance like smart phones; why press hard, when just a touch can do the trick!! Wink!

Even the dialogues don’t help. Someone in the movie says with utter seriousness, “Rajkumari ke sindoor par phir hamla hua toh…” It took me full fifteen minutes to figure that Sindoor was not one of the characters in the movie. I almost stood up in excitement and screamed Sonam-Jaya-Prada-Mera-Pati-Sirf-Mera-Hain-Mere-Suhaag-Ki-Saugandh-Ki-Jai-Ho! Somewhere in the movie a doctor ironically quips, “Cerebral concession…something something…cerebral edema…” That’s the only time that this movie and cerebral came in one sentence.

Like all recent Hindi movies Prem Ratan Dhan Payo vaguely attempts to stand up for gender equality but fails so miserably that it hurts. For example our hero chooses the gravest punishment for two sleazy men- dress them both as women. It also scoffs women in the kitchen and celebrates the one on the field. Because playing football is the ultimate sign of progress. BURP!!!

The movie has a Sanjay, Vijay, Ajay….oh what a PJ.

Also Haldiram boxes are so mercilessly shoved down your throat that it makes you wonder if subtlety is an art any longer.

But Prem Ratan Dhan Payo has something for each one of us. We all walk out with a sense of ‘payo’ as we walk out.

Sonam Kapoor- designer clothes and gorgeous jewelry- PAYO!!

Arman Kohli- Bigg Boss ke baad, one film- PAYO!!

Neil-Nitin-Game-Of-Thrones-Mukhesh- Bhai ke saath film- PAYO!!

Audiences- a pounding headache- PAYO!!!!!

WHAT THE RATINGS MEAN

5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)

4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)

3 stars: Didn’t hurt. Watch it once.

2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?

Shandaar Review

Shaandaar

Director- Vikas Bahl

Starring- Alia Bhatt, Shahid Kapoor, Pankaj Kapoor, Sanah Kapoor and Divya Seth

Rating- 2 stars.

Hi, I am Shaandaar.

I am produced by Dharma Productions. So I am pretty. And pretty pointless.

But hey I am also produced by Phantom, the poster production of all things real. So I apply Fevicol on my hands and peel it off in the name of OMG such a real moment. I also dip biscuits in milk and think of my mom…awww so cute…and hold imaginary cups of chai in the middle of the night and discuss my fears, like how I am scared of darkness.  I so badly want to come across as real that I might even discuss the price of kanda/batata/bhindi/baingan and take off my makeup and shift from Scotland to Sarojini.

 

But Karan Johar reprimands me so I slip back into my designer clothes and sing wedding/disco songs with full gusto. In the same breath I talk about feelings, emotions and living life, to keep Anurag Kashyap and his brigade of real filmmakers happy.

So basically I am confused. I am so torn between Dharma and Phantom that instead of Shaandaar, I would rather be called Kabhi Prada Kabhi Fab India.

Aroras and Fundwanis are bankrupt, you know the Karan-Johar-films’ kind of bankruptcy that throws stretch limos, fancy clothes and a destination wedding at you so lavishly that you badly long to be bankrupt soon.

To save their financial problems, the families decide to go for a merger and get their kids married, without quite knowing the sorry monetary situations of each other!

The families display such specimens. The bride is fat, the groom has eight and a half abs pack, the bride’s sister is an orphan and an insomniac, they have two uncles, one is sleazy, the other is effeminate, their mom is khadoos, the grand mom is maha khadoos and they also have twin cousin sisters who OMG, LOL, ROFL at every given opportunity. These characters would make sense if they were written to tell a story. There is no story. There are only caricatures.

The film tries to get all preachy about fat people, that everyone has feelings and all that. But the same film made a string of gay-fashion-designer-rich-blingy-show-off-Sindhis-small-eyed-Chinese-Japanese jokes. It’s then a trifle hard to take this movie seriously.

Dil Dhadakne Do did it so much better. That movie had personality traits, characters who despite looking super gorgeous on a yacht had fears, follies and frustrations.

Everything that happens in Shaandaar is of little (I am being polite) is of no importance or consequence. The leading lady is Ms. Google. Why? We have no clue. May be it’s a joke on Alia’s image that evokes no laughs. Her did-you-know fun facts are such a waste of breath in the air. Check this out- ‘A snail can sleep for three years.’ Or. ‘Chocolates have feet of eight insects.’  Ewww!! Yes I lost my breakfast into my nachos. But she does her job well; look gorgeous and enjoy an envious wardrobe and a foreign holiday.

 

Shahid Kapoor’s character is as deep. It’s deeper than the water he cleverly observes as wet, a joke we cracked in sixth standard.

Pankaj Kapoor is adorable in the film. The chemistry between him and Shahid, no matter how forced is endearing. Forced? Let me exemplify. In a fun banter, Shahid Kapoor tells Panjak, ‘hey it’s different.’ It makes no sense. It’s just a reference to Pankaj Kapoor’s ketch up ad with Javed Jaffery- Maggie, hot and sweet tomato sauce, it’s different! Yes farfetched has a boundary too. The writers have crossed that!

There is a scene in the film where everyone consumes mushroom and brownies, the combination that causes delirium in people. I guess the writers ate just that when they scripted the film. Except you think Chaalbaaz did it so brilliantly in that madcap song Seeti Baj Gayi.

Amit Trivedi has done a fabulous job once again and the music of the film is brilliant. The father daughter scene between Pankaj and Alia is also written well. And Sanah Kapoor is beautiful and shows promise.

Besides that I can’t think of anything in the movie that stayed with me. Oh yes, there is one thing.

Towards the end a gun is delivered at the wedding (don’t ask) in a delivery van that reads FedUp. I loved how the director read my mind!!

WHAT THE RATINGS MEAN

5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)

4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)

3 stars: Didn’t hurt. Watch it once.

2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?